Homosexuality: Nurture, not Nature

I want to write about what Kelly said in her most previous, very heartfelt post, and also include some related comments concerning some of what she said in "We Are Always Selfish," but my ass is so tired right now I am having a hard time even staying up to write this. I've been meaning to react to "We Are Always Selfish" for quite some time now, for that and our recent little tiff and her last post are very good and deserve more discussion. But not now. If I get to bed early tonight, tomorrow night or the next maybe I'll get to it. I'd like it if Kelly would expand on some of these ideas more, because it is fascinating shit....

But tonight I'm just going to relate something pretty funny--at least to me.

So I've finally gotten to the bottom of this whole gay thing. You wanna know why people are gay? There is no gay gene, man. It has everything to do with nurture, not nature. I should win some sort of prize for this. I mean, I've finally gotten to the bottom of it all.

Anyway, I get home from work and discover that my oldest son, Henry, has this white, gooey shit in his hair. (No, not that white, gooey shit. That's just gross. Maybe if he just got back from a Catholic mass or something it might be that white, gooey shit. Ouch.) So I'm looking at his hair with intense curiosity, as it's really caked in there, and there's a lot of it. I smelled it and it wreaked of shit, and I asked him if he stuck his head in the toilet. (Trust me: That is not a dumb question. I have caught him plenty of times trying to get an up-close look at what he has just disposed of in the toilet. And you thought you had a problem with your dog drinking out of the toilet bowl or licking his balls....) He very seriously replied, "No. I did not stick my head in the toilet, Daddy." Conversations I Have With My Three-Year-Old. Man, now that's the book I need to write.

So I look at him and his gloppy hair and am confounded by it all. Then he says something along the lines of "keem." It didn't register that he said "cream" at first, but then when I saw a tube of diaper rash cream underneath the coffeetable, I put two and two together and got quite upset. Diaper rash cream is expensive! I thought maybe he was watching Ann put mousse in her hair or something and that's how he got the idea. I mean, this is the same kid who saw a guy walking his dog one day, and when he got home he tied a jump rope around one of his stuffed animals and dragged it all aroundthe house. Things I See My Three-Year-Old Doing. Man, now that's the sequel to my aforementioned best-seller.

So I look at him and sternly say, "Henry, did you put cream in your hair." Because of the tone in my voice, his smile quickly disappeared and his lips started quivering. He knows what's up. I just glared at him. Then his eyes started flooding and he began to cry. I tapped him on the forehead with the tube of cream and told him that it was for Baby, our nickname for his one-year-old brother, Devin. I let him feel bad about the whole affair for a couple of minutes, and when he finally calmed down I asked him what the cream was for. He said, "Baby's butt." He's quite the observer, this son of mine. I said, "That's right. This cream is for baby's butt. Not for Henry's hair. Do you understand me?" He did his little nod thing and I thought that was the end of our little soiree. But a little later he said, "I want cream on my butt." I said, "No, Henry, you're potty trained now. But in a few years, if you're gay, then you might want to see somebody about putting cream up your ass." He just looked at me, not saying anything, so I said, "If you're gay." Then he knocked me flat on my ass when he said with great sincerity, "I am gay, Daddy. Put cream on my butt."

So if you've been taking notes, the order of my best-selling books are Conversation I Have With My Three Year Old, Things I See My Three-Year-Old Doing, and finally, Things You Should Never, Ever, Ever Tell Your Three-Year-Old. So while I might not be the best parent in the world and say some things sometimes that I shouldn't, it does at least keep life interesting. And hey, I discovered once and for all why people are gay.

Now where's my prize money?